I’m kind of writing an early entry so far this week… Don’t worry I do have pictures to put up… but I forgot my camera, so I’ll be giving a more “complete” update next entry. Lehna goes to the doctor today so I want to update after that. But here is something strange that happened to me this weekend and I wanted to share.
A very good friend of mine gave me a book called “Dancing and Mourning” it’s a story about a woman who loses her husband and how she lives through life without him. She gave me this book after my father passed away about two years ago. When I first got the book I was kind of hesitant to read it because I just didn’t want to deal with my father’s passing and I certainly didn’t want a book to instruct me on how I should feel about the trial I was going through so I put it away for awhile. Well after a few months of pushing it around I have been reading it off and on, I must say that in the two years I still haven’t completed it because it does make me sad to read it and I can only take it in small doses. But something that did strike me in my book was a section about dreams. In the book it said that dreams are the worst as you are traveling down the path of morning because dreams can make the feelings that you have feel unreal. It said to be prepared every time you shut your eyes because in your dream you could possibly experience feeling as though your loved one was never gone and when you wake up you will have to live through the experience of facing the fact that their gone every day. Well I thought this was ridiculous because if anything I craved dreams in which I could see my father again alive, but unfortunately for me I never dreamed about my father. Instead I would have memory flashes of silly faces he would make and him howling like a ghost to scare us when we were young, and that was all I could remember. I would try and try to think of other things that he would say and do but I would be in a time block where I could only remember those particular things. And I would constantly get mad at myself because I couldn’t remember anything else like profound things he would tell me or certain times he would give me the facts of life, nothing just dumb faces and silly sounds. I kind of felt cheated like I should be thinking of more important things but couldn’t.
Well over the last two years my memory has definitely increased of the different memories I can remember of my father, which I’m so thankful for. It’s nice having the opportunity to go back and see him any way I want. Well I still wondered why in the world my book had an entire chapter devoted to dreams when I could never really experience any dreams. Well two years since his passing I finally had my first dream about my father.
It started out that he was in the hospital attached to a heart monitor and pace maker. I kept mentioning his heart monitors but he would never want to talk about them. He just kept telling me that they were necessary in order for him to come and talk to me. We talked about all kinds of things it was really amazing. I asked him if he was present when Lehna was born and he said that he was and I asked him about all different things and he said that he’s always with me. I then asked him what’s the worst part about being in heaven, and he said that the worst part about being in heaven is the fact that he doesn’t like watching us suffer. He said that when we are sad he can barely stand to watch. He said that he was with us when our grandparents died and he was with us again when Teresa died and he said that it was really hard on him. He said he’s of course with us but he said that it’s hard for him because he knows that there is nothing he can do and it hurts. Out of all the things that I would have imagined him to say that was not one of them. Well after our talk he said that it was time to go and he missed and loved us.
I woke up from this dream feeling very sad but then again very happy at the same time. It kind of felt like a relief was lifted off of me. I don’t really remember worry about anything and I can’t really describe what exactly it lifted but I felt better after I woke up. I went out and tried to tell Tait what I dreamt about but it took me quite awhile because I kept starting to cry when I did. But I did manage to tell him about it and I decided that I wanted to share my dream with all of you.
After being able to digest the dream a little bit more I think that it was a very strange experience but yet it was a very positive experience all at the same time. I enjoyed being able to see and talk with my father once again but do realize that it was a dream. I think that his spirit was definitely there and present in my dream which is a very comforting thought. I think that I am going to read the next chapter in that book because I feel like I’m ready to take the next step.
I will update you on Lehna’s progress very soon! Take care!
(Jackie does this elephant look familar he's from the Indy zoo?)
