So as I have posted before on this blog that I was let go from my job almost a year ago. This past year has been like a road to recovery. This was probably one of the hardest things that I have ever had to endure. Not only was it a killer to my self esteem but has also been like a black mark that I have been trying to scrub off ever since. I kind of feel a little like Lady Macbeth screaming at my blood stained hands “out out damned spot.” I have applied to many different positions and have done interviews. I have applied for three positions within the county interviewed for three of them and received one ding and I’m waiting for two more. I have been working as a Limited Term Employee for the past 8 months in a position that is FINALLY going to be posted. So I’ll be able to apply for that position and hopefully get the permanent position. It’s truly been a struggle for my family and me. I feel like I have let my family down. I went from being the head of household as far as income, and now barley bringing in anything. It’s just been a really long road. I am grateful that the position will open but I have to say that I feel like it’s a little unfair. I’m angry at the situation and feel helpless and hopeless. I feel like I have a lot to offer and was beaten down by my past employer.
I read this line one time that God is the planner for you. God is the one who opens doors for you, and even when a door is slammed on you and you are stuck in the hallway you should trust even from the hallway that God will open another door, when he’s ready for you to have that door opened. I have to say that I feel like I have been stuck in the hallway for awhile. I feel like I have paid my dues so why am I still standing in the hallway? I can’t go Chung fu on the door, even though I really want to, b/c that isn’t my plan. For almost a year we became inactive in the church. It was shortly after being let go that I was angry at God for letting this happen not only to myself but also to my family. It’s a process that I have had to work through and we are returning to church. I recently was called as a primary worker and so I have to go on a weekly basis b/c I have people depending on me. I’m trying to keep in mind that God truly hasn’t forgotten about me in the hallway. Maybe he’s just making my landing spot that much better. At least I hope so. All I have is time and so I just need to relax which of course is not my skill set. I’m much more motivated to try to control my life than just to “let it happen”. But my hands are tied... I can only continue to search, if I want to look outside the county, or just hold tight until the fate of this position is in its final stages. I’m hoping that I can get hired on by the county but it may not be in my cards either. Again it’s something I won’t have control of.
I know I have a very negative tone in the post and I don’t mean to. It’s truly not the end of the world. I’m trying not to let it have that kind of feeling but it’s hard. It’s a stressful situation for my family and me. I want to feel like I’m helping my family. It’s a struggle. But again this isn’t my time table. I don’t get to decide which door is opened for me. I just have to standing the hallway and continue to keep the faith. I’ll keep you posted on the future for my position. Hopefully the position will open and I will be able to move into it.
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