Life in General

Well it’s finally time for an update.

I have to say that it’s easier NOT to do an update than it is for me to complete an update for some reason. I used to update all the time when I had “time at work” to do it back in Indiana than I got a different job and never had time to do anything personal any more b/c I was working all the time. Well that back fired… Oh well.

Well here’s the life update, since I updated what almost a year a go… yikes so much to update.

Well my most recent news is that I was let go from my job. Let me tell you it sucks. I have a new appreciation for anyone in my past that I have ever had to let go. When I worked as a Staffing Supervisor I was always letting people go from assignments for different reasons and let me tell you I never knew it felt so crappy. B/c let me tell you it feels pretty crappy. It was such a blow to my ego and self esteem that it truly has taken awhile just to climb back out from under it. And there are days that I slip back under the big rock. I think part of the reason is I used my success as rising from Staffing Consultant to Branch Manager in 3 years as kind of a “wow look at what I’ve accomplished, I’m so great” and when it’s taken you really don’t have any choices. I mean it’s gone. So I have lots of blessings that I’m grateful to have. I have a family, husband, home, and my health. You know MAJOR life blessings that people don’t always have; I just don’t have a career anymore. So where do I start. So I was let go unfairly I truly believe, I have some guilt but that’s mainly b/c that’s the type of person I am, I take everything personally and blame myself for things truly that aren’t my fault. But I was let go for failure to go my Kenosha Office. I didn’t get a big contract that would have “saved” me and in the 2 years I was there growing from 8 clients to 31 that simply wasn’t enough. Although I really don’t know what enough looks like. According to express Standards we were supposed to be at 40-50 clients. I didn’t think we were doing too badly because we had turnover and had to learn the market, oh and I had to learn my role as the Branch Manager. But for whatever reason that simply wasn’t good enough. I blame myself for not working harder and at times where I was in “down time” I could have been doing more sales calls, but what can I say. I tried. I don’t like failing at things. I don’t mind quitting things but failing is a completely different side of my brain that is hard to comprehend. I have never been asked to leave anything so this has been a learning experience.

I have to say that I have been depressed, ashamed, and humbled. I have been angry at Heavenly Father because he let me get fired, I know kind of ridiculous, but I couldn’t really blame myself anymore I was already doing that. I have written pretty horrible journals about myself, just self defeating thoughts about myself; pure self esteem boosters let me tell you. But it has helped. Just being able to journal really helped get the crap out of my head, and that’s really what I needed to do. I have really had a lot of support from Tait who constantly reminds me about my other blessings and that I need to take a look at the big picture. So at times it’s helpful and times it’s just annoying. So I have had a change of heart. I stopped going to church (starting slowly to return) but in my anger I didn’t want to even think about anything Positive just negative, that’s the kind of girl I am you know Miss Negative. Well let tell you those church people they HUNT you down and DON’T STOP ATTACKING! Good Grief! We had missionary visits and calls and invites, and mailers sent to us. I guess that’s what happens when you get on the inactive list. Funny part is Tait was still going he has a class to teach so he was attending that on a regular basis and going to Scouts, WASN’T THAT ENOUGH PEOPLE! Apparently not. So we got a call from the Bishop’s Secretary who wanted to meet up with us. Yeah I was more than thrilled let me tell you.

So we meet with him and he wanted to know what was going on with our family. Well let me tell you I spelled it out. I didn’t waste words I wasn't mad or anything just told him the way I was feeling and you know what he gave me two pieces of advice that really helped me change my attitude. The first thing he says was that the company I was at clearly didn’t appreciate the things I did for them, and they didn’t deserve me. The second thing he said was B/c the nature of Man sometimes Heavenly Father doesn’t have a say in what we on earth choose to do. So in fact my firing probably wasn’t inspired by him but instead was inspired by the nature of man. So than I felt pretty bad for blaming when in fact he could have been innocent of the charges that I was placing on him. So those things made me rethink things a little bit.

I’m still dealing with the Depression and shame, it’s shameful to be in my situation I think this is part of the taking everything eternally and blaming myself for something I didn’t have control over, you know it’s similar to what I did with Heavenly Father but it’s hard to have moments of “well that was pretty wrong” when you are dealing with your own feelings. But anyway. I have been truly humbled. I still am bitter but working on it. I am trying not to be angry any more but that’s hard when I get a rejection from an employer that’s usually when I have the flairs of anger, but it’s a working process. I’m a working process shoot.

So what now. Well I have to really stop being so hard on myself. It truly sucks to feel like this so I need to have some change in thoughts and expel my energy in a more positive way. I was talking to the doctor about my feelings (I’m on medication that he is monitoring) and he suggested that its b/c I have to find a new direction to move my energy that I was spending at work to another outlet. So I tried to move that energy to working out and you know I can count on one finger how long that lasted. So what I did was get a part time job. I talked to my true friends at Express and they helped me find a Part time Job and Jockey International which I was working just 18 hours a week as an office assistant, at least I had some way to direct this energy. So I have been doing this for the past 6 weeks and well. It’s been good really good, it gives me a reason to get up in the morning, and I was able to spend some time with the kids and that was really nice.

So in the mean time I have been applying to many jobs and going on many interviews and I have gotten a couple of offers and rejections but nothing wonderful. So I talked to some of my past contacts at Kenosha County and they said I should agree to do some Temporary work b/c they are always looking for temporary workers for different departments to cover sick leaves and etc. So I said “shoot sign me up” So last week they called me and offered me a position in DCFS which is the same department that Tait is in to cover a sick leave. The lady I’m covering will not be back the rest of the year. So I will be taking her place. But in the mean time, they will be looking for later this year b/c one of the other women is going to be retiring.  So there will be an opporutnity, if they like me to be hired on. So it might just turn into something good. Maybe.

I’m going to ride this out however at this position and see where it leads. Who knows? But in the meantime I am still trying to remain humble until this storm blows over and I can get in a long lasting position, I’m truly hoping this will work, but if not… than we’ll see what happens. Life only happens once right?

I’m still trying to recover and slowly I’ll come back to where I need to be it just will take some time. I just want to get through this without going postal on anyone. So that’s the latest and greatest update.