Most people I know love night time because it is the time we get to crawl in our big soft beds and slip into dream land. I know that I love slipping into my bed and feeling nice clean sheets and slowly drifting off to sleep. Falling asleep a skill I can do. I wouldn't call myself an expert but I am pretty good at it. You know what I'm not good at, staying asleep. I am TERRIBLE at staying asleep it is pretty much by the time it's time to "get up" I can't wait! I have been in my torture chamber for the past several hours and I'm ready to move past it. I have tried medication in the past to help me stay asleep and honestly it doesn't work. I have downloaded a program on my phone to help relax me and return to a sleep mode, and it doesn't really work either. I have to say... the worst part is waking up and feeling the anxiety slide all over the inside of my brain. I am filled with thoughts of either decisions that I have made or need to make and weighing the options of all of them. It's terrible Insomnia is a terrible terrible disorder. There are times that I just wish I could go to sleep and I turn over and over and over. There have been times that I just get up and start the day, at 3 in the morning, because it's just not worth the tossing. Unfortunately there isn't a cure for this disorder. There's actually very little "help" you can get for it. I have tried prescriptions to help with this and it's just not successful. I wake up between the hours of 2-3 every morning... and I'm usually awake for about 1-3 hours. It's been easy with us being out of school so when I do finally fall back to sleep I can "sleep in" to help catch up for the missing sleep. I'm dreading thinking about what it will look like when we return to school and I can no longer get in the hours I missed.
I miss dreaming... I haven't dreamed in a long time. I love dreaming, I can always get something out of my dreams and it's been months since I have had a dream. My brain is just so wound up it doesn't know what to do and I have ALWAYS carried my anxiety and stress to bed with me. I used to be able to box my thoughts and put them on a shelf but I can't even do that now. It's like a skill that evades me. My thoughts play over and over like a movie that I can't seem to skip through. It's a terrible thing.
I don't have a solution for this, I don't have an answer and I don't want this to be a complaining post because quite honestly I have a lot in this world that I'm incredibly grateful for. God blesses me even when I'm completely unworthy. Maybe it will get easier, maybe over time this will lessen and I'll be able to control myself once again. Until then... I will continue to watch the hours tick by and dread the 2 am hour, my bewitching hour.
